The other night I showed Hubby the file I keep of all the past chore charts/cards that we've tried. He was impressed. Honestly, I could probably write a book.
I find that every 6 months or so I have to fiddle with the chore chart system that we're using. Now that my kids are older (10, 13 and 15), we've gone to a money-earning system.
You'll notice that there are a number of important things missing from the pay schedule below. Keeping their room clean, doing homework, helping with the dishwasher -- that's just part of living in our family. They won't get paid for that. I also wanted to reward effort. You work, you get rewarded.
Here's what we're trying:
DAILY JOBS
Bring in the mail $.05
Help make dinner $.50
Weeding, per 15 min. $.25
Write in journal $.25
Read an entire New Era $2.00
Read a Conference talk $.25
WEEKLY JOBS
Empty and re-line a garbage $.10
Bring in garbage/recycle bin $.05/ea
check off when completed
Total Toilet Treatment: $.50
Master
Boy’s
Girls’
Clean Sink and Counter: $.20
Master
Boy’s
Girls’
Laundry room
No-smudge Mirror: $.10
Master sink
Master door
Boy’s
Girls’
Clean with scrubbing bubbles $.50
Master shower
Master tub
Boy’s tub/shower
Girls’ tub/shower
Vacuum one of these areas: $.25
Down.hall & media room
Recreation room
Sewing and piano rooms
Up. TV & Master bedroom
Vacuum Stairs $.75
Super shake-a-rug (outside) $.10
Kitchen sink rug
Rug by cubbies
Front door rug
Both kids’ bathrooms
Master bathroom rug
Outside front porch rug
Rug on garage porch
Back patio rug
Wipe all upstairs windowsills $.50
Wipe all downstairs windowsills $.30
Mow the lawn $3.00
Mow the orchard (ask Dad 1st) $2.00
Super-Sweep the garage $1.00
Wash the outside of car $.75
Wash the outside of truck $.75
Wash car windows in & out $.50
Wash truck windows in & out $.30
Vacuum car interior $.75
Vacuum truck interior $.75
This past week my oldest and youngest each earned $.80. But my middle child earned a whopping $9.00! She's motivated to earn money towards girl's camp.
They pay 10% in tithing and 20% into savings. The rest they can spend.
I think it's important to teach kids how to work, but it's also important to teach them how to manage money. To help teach them about the value of a dollar, we also give them a larger quarterly amount, with the biggest payment coming in August to help cover school clothes. Then, throughout the year they're in charge of budgeting their money to pay for clothes, candy, presents, etc.
This has done wonders for my middle child. Before we tried this system, she'd ask for everything that her heart desired. But once we turned her share of the budget over to her, she began weighing the importance of name brand vs. second hand clothes. It's made her a much more value-oriented shopper.
Lest you think we're making our kids pay for everything, rest assured that we buy all their food, pay for their sports and activities, and even purchase any socks or underwear. (No teen or tween wants to spend hard-earned cash on socks or underwear!)
What works for your family? In another 6 months or so, I'll be fiddling with our system again and would love having your ideas to draw from. Please share!
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, May 04, 2009
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Olympic Thoughts and Questions
Our family has enjoyed gathering around the television in the evenings and watching the Olympic games in Beijing. We have family discussions about the amazing abilities of the athletes and contemplate the practice that has gotten them there.
I've especially watched the mothers of the athletes with keen interest. I don't completely understand the bond between Michael Phelps and his mother. She seems to be everything to him. I find their closeness both admirable and suffocating. I listen to how much she's sacrificed to help Michael fulfill his swimming dreams and ambitions. Could I ever do the same to help my children fulfill their dreams?
What are my childrens' dreams? How do I help them reach for their dreams and also
raise them to be well-rounded and balanced individuals? How do I avoid being the overly pushy parent?
Recently Hubby and I set up college savings plans for our three children. When Hubby was telling our nine-year-old daughter about the new account set up for her she said, "I don't want to go to college."
That's news to me. But what if that's how she feels towards the end of high school? How hard do I push to encourage her to pursue an advanced degree? What if I want more for her than she wants for herself?
Where do parents fit in their children's dreams?
I've especially watched the mothers of the athletes with keen interest. I don't completely understand the bond between Michael Phelps and his mother. She seems to be everything to him. I find their closeness both admirable and suffocating. I listen to how much she's sacrificed to help Michael fulfill his swimming dreams and ambitions. Could I ever do the same to help my children fulfill their dreams?
What are my childrens' dreams? How do I help them reach for their dreams and also
raise them to be well-rounded and balanced individuals? How do I avoid being the overly pushy parent?
Recently Hubby and I set up college savings plans for our three children. When Hubby was telling our nine-year-old daughter about the new account set up for her she said, "I don't want to go to college."
That's news to me. But what if that's how she feels towards the end of high school? How hard do I push to encourage her to pursue an advanced degree? What if I want more for her than she wants for herself?
Where do parents fit in their children's dreams?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A Little Motherly Advice
To Beans, my 9-year-old daughter:
“I’m afraid you’re just going to have to memorize the 12 times tables. There’s not a little trick to figuring them out. I’ll help you with the flashcards.”
To Bug, my 14-year-old son:
“You can’t control anyone else’s behavior, just your own. If Loula Belle doesn’t want to hear about your golf game, you just need to say, ‘Okay.’ And walk away. Saying, ‘Of course you don’t. You never want to talk with me,’ won’t make her more likely to listen the next time. If you want to get along better with her, you just have to focus on what you can control, and NOT talk about her behavior. That’s my job. ”
To Loula Belle, my 12-year-old daughter:
“I’ve been watching, and I’ve noticed that when you’re around your friends or cousins, you’re a lot nicer; more cheerful and talkative. But when you’re just around our family, you’re actually quite snobbish. You know what ‘snobbish’ means, right? Well, it’s not okay to treat us like you’re better than us. The fastest way to improve behavior is to change your . . . (Lou says, ‘attitude.’) That’s right. You need to stop thinking of your family members as annoying and start thinking about the qualities that make them unique; what kinds of nice things they do for you. Then you’ll automatically start treating us nicer. Oh, and by the way, I’ll be watching over the next couple of days, and if I don’t see an improvement, you’ll be grounded from hanging out with friends.”
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“I’m afraid you’re just going to have to memorize the 12 times tables. There’s not a little trick to figuring them out. I’ll help you with the flashcards.”
To Bug, my 14-year-old son:
“You can’t control anyone else’s behavior, just your own. If Loula Belle doesn’t want to hear about your golf game, you just need to say, ‘Okay.’ And walk away. Saying, ‘Of course you don’t. You never want to talk with me,’ won’t make her more likely to listen the next time. If you want to get along better with her, you just have to focus on what you can control, and NOT talk about her behavior. That’s my job. ”
To Loula Belle, my 12-year-old daughter:
“I’ve been watching, and I’ve noticed that when you’re around your friends or cousins, you’re a lot nicer; more cheerful and talkative. But when you’re just around our family, you’re actually quite snobbish. You know what ‘snobbish’ means, right? Well, it’s not okay to treat us like you’re better than us. The fastest way to improve behavior is to change your . . . (Lou says, ‘attitude.’) That’s right. You need to stop thinking of your family members as annoying and start thinking about the qualities that make them unique; what kinds of nice things they do for you. Then you’ll automatically start treating us nicer. Oh, and by the way, I’ll be watching over the next couple of days, and if I don’t see an improvement, you’ll be grounded from hanging out with friends.”
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Tuesday, June 03, 2008
My Kids' Summer Job Charts
I cut these sheets into strips of three and rotate -- Week #1, Week #2 and Week #3. Each week's strips hang on a large dry-erase board near the stairs and the back door. This system works out nicely as we have three kids and three bathrooms. By doing it this way and rotating assignments, no one can claim that their jobs aren't fair. (You can click on each job sheet to see it clearly.)
Each day has an allowance amount fixed to it. Once all their jobs are done for that day, they have me sign it off. If they choose not to complete all their jobs, they miss out on that day's amount come payday. We also have a rule that they can't play the computer, watch TV or play with friends until their jobs are done. They have pretty big incentives to complete their work which makes it so I don't have to nag so much.
Note: I leave Saturday blank for their dad to give them assignments. I find that if he has three people to boss around on Saturday, he doesn't feel the need to give me assignements too. :)
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Each day has an allowance amount fixed to it. Once all their jobs are done for that day, they have me sign it off. If they choose not to complete all their jobs, they miss out on that day's amount come payday. We also have a rule that they can't play the computer, watch TV or play with friends until their jobs are done. They have pretty big incentives to complete their work which makes it so I don't have to nag so much.
Note: I leave Saturday blank for their dad to give them assignments. I find that if he has three people to boss around on Saturday, he doesn't feel the need to give me assignements too. :)
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Friday, May 30, 2008
How Not to Raise Wimps
You may not know it, but according to Hara Marano, we’re raising a nation of wimps. She’s the author of A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting. The product review of her book at Amazon.com says:
“Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children, but the net effect of parental hyperconcern and scrutiny is to make kids more fragile. When the real world isn’t the discomfort-free zone kids are accustomed to, they break down in myriad ways. Why is it that those who want only the best for their kids wind up bringing out the worst in them?”
Although I haven’t read this book, it has me thinking about my own parenting practices and philosophies.
I’d like to think that I’m not raising wimps. Why just yesterday when my youngest wondered what she could have for lunch, I went down the list: a corndog, ramen, a PB&J sandwich, leftovers – all things unappetizing to her. “Well then,” I told her, “you decide what sounds good and make it yourself.”
She didn’t like that response. She sighed. She moped. I finally told her that she could either make lunch and get on with life or go mope in her room. She chose to make a box of macaroni and cheese.
Believe it or not, macaroni and cheese has had a huge influence on my parenting philosophy. It all started when we had just two kids. They were probably four and two. Hubby and I were headed out to eat and had hired a babysitter, a fourteen-year-old whose mother was our ward’s Relief Society President. I was running through the babysitting basics (this is where the diapers are, here are the first aid supplies, we can be reached at…) and had just explained what she could make for dinner – macaroni and cheese. She had no clue how to make macaroni and cheese. Or even how to boil water.
That’s when I decided that my main goal as an at-home mom was to teach my children how to live without me. I’ve used the making of macaroni and cheese to remind myself not to do for my kids what they can and should be doing for themselves.
Fortunately, I had a great example, my own mother. One of her favorite phrases was, “My mother didn’t do that for me. I’m not going to do it for you.” She used this when I wanted her to, oh … say, do a bit of my homework for me. When I was in elementary school she used the phrase to convince me that it was time to be styling my own hair. In fact, she had a whole little story to tell about a girl she’d gone to school with whose mother was doing her daughter’s hair clear into high school. The moral in all situations was, you don’t want to be needy and dependent on your mother forever do you?
Lately I’ve slipped a bit. I’ve been doing things for my kids (mostly my youngest) that they could be doing for themselves. It’s hard to hold the line and not pamper and spoil. My two oldest kids have very independent natures, but my youngest is a mild, kind, comfort-seeking soul. She doesn’t get mouthy when I refuse to do something for her. She pouts. Acts sad. Puts on her soulful puppy dog eyes and lingers in my general vicinity. As her mother, I want her to be happy. Giving in has been my solution lately. But no more.
I’m going to start labeling her behavior. Possibly saying something like, “You’re pouting because I wouldn’t do your hair this morning. But that’s not going to change my mind. My mother didn’t do my hair when I was nine, and I’m not going to do yours. On very special occasions I’d love to help you, but today’s just a regular old day.”
Hey, that felt good. I can see that my mother’s phrase is going to come in very handy.
Kids are experts at getting what they want from their parents, and because we love them and want them to be happy, we give, give, give. I’m not saying that all giving is bad, but when we start doing things for our kids that they can do for themselves – give them things that they can obtain/earn for themselves, we’re actually enabling. Yuck. Not only is our behavior unhelpful, but it is also damaging to kids’ psychological development.
Kids get much of their self-esteem from doing things, from being and feeling capable and in control. When I constantly do my daughter’s hair, I’m actually sending the message . . . You’re right, you can’t do your hair well.
Just how confident can doing her own hair make a girl feel? Let me illustrate with an unflattering moment from my childhood. I was in a tiff with another girl in my second grade class. We were engaging in the usual playground banter. She might have said, “Oh yeah, well your pants are too short.” I countered with, “Well at least I can part my own hair straight. Yours looks like a lightning bolt down the back.” (I’ve always had a big mouth.)
The truth is, we don’t magically cut the apron strings when our kids go to college or go on missions. It’s a gradual process that starts the day they learn to crawl. We don’t need to me cavalier with our children’s safety – they are precious and priceless – but we also don’t want to create fearful, fragile kids. Encourage your children to do things on their own, try their own wings. Let them fail now so they can learn how to pick themselves up. Most children don’t need you there while they do their homework past first grade. Let them do it themselves. If they don’t do it, give them consequences that don’t involve you holding their hand.
I’ve been obliquely encouraging passive, helpless behavior in my youngest child, but I’m going to stop. I can ask myself, “What hidden message will my action send? Am I doing something for Beans that she can do herself?” And I’m going to stop feeling 100% responsible for her happiness. I can’t make my children happy any more than I can make them behave. In the end, it’s all up to them.
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Thursday, January 17, 2008
Living at Break-neck Speed
It’s been a long time since I wrote a "real" blog entry. Here are a few of the reasons why:
It was the holidays. Kids home. Gifts to buy and wrap. Decorations to hang. Decorations to take down.
I caught a case of the January blahs. Not depression, just a little funk after having people home with me all day during the holidays. It really is hard for me to have everyone go to school and work. And yet, there is no lack of things to do here at home. Someone once asked me what I did with all my time now that my kids are in school all day. Truth is, I don’t have more time. And the same things need doing. I just don’t have a little friend to do them with. My advice is to savor having your babies at home. I did too much wishing away of that time in my life.
Life moves at break-neck speed. Bug is heavily involved in basketball. The girls take piano, and Beans is taking a pottery class. I’m on the district PTA board and also work with the student council at Lou’s school. (She’s on the council. It’s fun but also requires time and energy.) I have 2 ½ callings at church. I teach Gospel Doctrine every other Sunday, meet with the Activity Day girls twice a month, and play for the choir every week. (The choir accompanying isn’t official.) Laundry never stops piling up. Dinners don’t make themselves. Children need near-constant reminders to get their jobs done. Snow falls and needs shoveling. I have a dog that needs walks and more training. Exercise is a must.
I’m finding that I don’t feel that urge to write and share everything that’s happening to me. Life still happens, but I’m sharing more with my husband and kids. Hubby and I have recently discussed at-home moms, the number of callings women have versus men, financial goals, political leanings, Presidential candidates and the state of the Federal Government. Bug and I have discussed why some people swear, setting realistic goals, the importance of having fun. Personal hygiene and future make-up techniques are topics that Loula Belle is interested in. I’ve been trying to help Beans better express her feelings and we’ve discussed why that’s important. I guess I’m figuring out how to communicate what’s most important to me to those who are most important to me.
I’m writing more in my health and fitness journal. And then I’ve been re-reading what I’ve written as a means to better understand why my weight loss has been stuck for so long. I’ve also spent a lot more time reading and digesting everything that crosses my path on health and fitness. I’ve realized that reaching my weightloss goal isn’t a selfish pursuit. A healthy momma is a happy momma. Plus, I figure that I can better serve the Lord as a fit woman. When Hubby and I hit the years where we can go on a mission together, I don’t want to be held back by health problems. So I’m living in the NOW but planning for a healthy future!
I’m also trying to put Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ conference talk into practice. I’m evaluating what’s good, what’s better, and what’s best. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stop blogging completely. It’s part of how I get my journal writing in. When my blogging slacks, so do my journal entries. I’m trying to find balance.
My girls both got new WebKinz for Christmas. For the uninitiated, children can now buy plush toy animals that come with a web access code where they can virtually play with their pets. This is my girls’ favorite activity lately and has eaten into my own computer time.
I believe naps are important.
It was the holidays. Kids home. Gifts to buy and wrap. Decorations to hang. Decorations to take down.
I caught a case of the January blahs. Not depression, just a little funk after having people home with me all day during the holidays. It really is hard for me to have everyone go to school and work. And yet, there is no lack of things to do here at home. Someone once asked me what I did with all my time now that my kids are in school all day. Truth is, I don’t have more time. And the same things need doing. I just don’t have a little friend to do them with. My advice is to savor having your babies at home. I did too much wishing away of that time in my life.
Life moves at break-neck speed. Bug is heavily involved in basketball. The girls take piano, and Beans is taking a pottery class. I’m on the district PTA board and also work with the student council at Lou’s school. (She’s on the council. It’s fun but also requires time and energy.) I have 2 ½ callings at church. I teach Gospel Doctrine every other Sunday, meet with the Activity Day girls twice a month, and play for the choir every week. (The choir accompanying isn’t official.) Laundry never stops piling up. Dinners don’t make themselves. Children need near-constant reminders to get their jobs done. Snow falls and needs shoveling. I have a dog that needs walks and more training. Exercise is a must.
I’m finding that I don’t feel that urge to write and share everything that’s happening to me. Life still happens, but I’m sharing more with my husband and kids. Hubby and I have recently discussed at-home moms, the number of callings women have versus men, financial goals, political leanings, Presidential candidates and the state of the Federal Government. Bug and I have discussed why some people swear, setting realistic goals, the importance of having fun. Personal hygiene and future make-up techniques are topics that Loula Belle is interested in. I’ve been trying to help Beans better express her feelings and we’ve discussed why that’s important. I guess I’m figuring out how to communicate what’s most important to me to those who are most important to me.
I’m writing more in my health and fitness journal. And then I’ve been re-reading what I’ve written as a means to better understand why my weight loss has been stuck for so long. I’ve also spent a lot more time reading and digesting everything that crosses my path on health and fitness. I’ve realized that reaching my weightloss goal isn’t a selfish pursuit. A healthy momma is a happy momma. Plus, I figure that I can better serve the Lord as a fit woman. When Hubby and I hit the years where we can go on a mission together, I don’t want to be held back by health problems. So I’m living in the NOW but planning for a healthy future!
I’m also trying to put Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ conference talk into practice. I’m evaluating what’s good, what’s better, and what’s best. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stop blogging completely. It’s part of how I get my journal writing in. When my blogging slacks, so do my journal entries. I’m trying to find balance.
My girls both got new WebKinz for Christmas. For the uninitiated, children can now buy plush toy animals that come with a web access code where they can virtually play with their pets. This is my girls’ favorite activity lately and has eaten into my own computer time.
I believe naps are important.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Be Ye Therefore Perfect . . .
I’ve been thinking a lot about perfection lately. Mostly because I have a son who is a perfectionist. In everything. To his outside observers it would seem that he’s the whole package – just what every mother wants in a son. But I’ve got the inside scoop, and I’m worried.
He has fits when everything doesn’t go just right. He grunts and grumbles and has angry outbursts when he can’t work a math problem. A couple of errant golf shots sometimes lead to a minor melt-down. He likes his room neat and tidy and every hair on his head in its proper place.
As I’ve been contemplating his latest blow-up, I’ve been wondering what I could tell him that might help. What can I do as his mother to help him get over his unrealistic expectations of himself? In the process of my morning musings, the phrase, “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree” hit close to home.
I have my own problems with perfectionism. With unrealistic expectations of myself. With getting discouraged when my well laid plans don’t go like I’d like. With not allowing myself to feel happiness amid my own imperfections. Sigh. What have I found helpful in my own journey toward balance? What gives me encouragement and perspective?
For starters, it’s helpful to remind myself who gave the injunction to be perfect – the Lord. And I believe that he was talking about the BIG PICTURE – exaltation. We’re not ever going to be perfectly perfect in this life. That’s not an excuse to give up, to settle for mediocrity, to roll our eyes and attempt to endure to the end. I look at it this way. When the Lord asks me to do something, I’d better do it His way.
I’ll use food storage as an example. Ten years ago when we bought our first home, we could no longer use the excuse of “no space” to put off accumulating a year’s supply of food. Now remember, I’m an over-achiever. I did lots of research on food storage – how much to have, how to rotate it, the best ways to store it, ad infinitum. Everyone had a different opinion. County extention agents said to buy what you already eat. Other sources advocated freeze-dried goods. I was left in a quandary. Until I considered the source of the mandate to accumulate food storage. If the Lord wanted me to store food, then I’d better do it according to what His leaders said. (Note: The church had come out with modified food storage counsel. Check it out at ProvidentLiving.org -- http://www.providentliving.org/channel/0,11677,1706-1,00.html
I thought the myriad sources with advice on storing food were overwhelming. But what about all the various outlets that offer advice and counsel on living a perfect life? We get magazines full of tips on perfecting all sorts of things . . . golf games, home life, decorating, having fun as a family. Add in newspapers, television, music and movies. Podcasts and self-help books. Not to mention family members. It’s a wonder that we’re not all crippled with perfection paranoia.
But back to doing things that the Lord asks in the Lord’s way. I love Mosiah 4:27. It says, “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that man should run faster than he has strength. And again, is it expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, it’s usually because I’m trying to run faster than I’m capable of, possibly doing things according to some worldly order instead of the Lord’s. Last week I had an opportunity to drive a friend to her doctor appointment in Salt Lake City. She suffers from firbromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome. And I mean suffers. During our some four plus hours together, she taught me a lot about pursuing perfection in the Lord’s way.
She told of wanting to see herself as the Lord sees her, wanting to know what his expectations were for her. After hours on her knees and more hours in quiet contemplation, she learned that the Lord wants her to be happy -- to experience gladness despite her health limitations. Nothing dramatic, but something definitely worth pursuing.
I guess it’s all about perspective. When I’ve got the BIG PICTURE in view, I feel encouraged and capable of accomplishing whatever the Lord requires of me. But when I remove the spiritual lens, I’m back to feeling inadequate. Is it any wonder that we’re counseled to read our scriptures daily? They help keep life in proper perspective. Ditto the temple. And church meetings. And family home evening. And especially prayer.
I guess that answers my question about how I can help my son. I can teach him that staying spiritually focused is the key to happiness, the only way to properly pursue perfection. Most importantly, I can show by example that like Paul, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13)
He has fits when everything doesn’t go just right. He grunts and grumbles and has angry outbursts when he can’t work a math problem. A couple of errant golf shots sometimes lead to a minor melt-down. He likes his room neat and tidy and every hair on his head in its proper place.
As I’ve been contemplating his latest blow-up, I’ve been wondering what I could tell him that might help. What can I do as his mother to help him get over his unrealistic expectations of himself? In the process of my morning musings, the phrase, “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree” hit close to home.
I have my own problems with perfectionism. With unrealistic expectations of myself. With getting discouraged when my well laid plans don’t go like I’d like. With not allowing myself to feel happiness amid my own imperfections. Sigh. What have I found helpful in my own journey toward balance? What gives me encouragement and perspective?
For starters, it’s helpful to remind myself who gave the injunction to be perfect – the Lord. And I believe that he was talking about the BIG PICTURE – exaltation. We’re not ever going to be perfectly perfect in this life. That’s not an excuse to give up, to settle for mediocrity, to roll our eyes and attempt to endure to the end. I look at it this way. When the Lord asks me to do something, I’d better do it His way.
I’ll use food storage as an example. Ten years ago when we bought our first home, we could no longer use the excuse of “no space” to put off accumulating a year’s supply of food. Now remember, I’m an over-achiever. I did lots of research on food storage – how much to have, how to rotate it, the best ways to store it, ad infinitum. Everyone had a different opinion. County extention agents said to buy what you already eat. Other sources advocated freeze-dried goods. I was left in a quandary. Until I considered the source of the mandate to accumulate food storage. If the Lord wanted me to store food, then I’d better do it according to what His leaders said. (Note: The church had come out with modified food storage counsel. Check it out at ProvidentLiving.org -- http://www.providentliving.org/channel/0,11677,1706-1,00.html
I thought the myriad sources with advice on storing food were overwhelming. But what about all the various outlets that offer advice and counsel on living a perfect life? We get magazines full of tips on perfecting all sorts of things . . . golf games, home life, decorating, having fun as a family. Add in newspapers, television, music and movies. Podcasts and self-help books. Not to mention family members. It’s a wonder that we’re not all crippled with perfection paranoia.
But back to doing things that the Lord asks in the Lord’s way. I love Mosiah 4:27. It says, “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that man should run faster than he has strength. And again, is it expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, it’s usually because I’m trying to run faster than I’m capable of, possibly doing things according to some worldly order instead of the Lord’s. Last week I had an opportunity to drive a friend to her doctor appointment in Salt Lake City. She suffers from firbromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome. And I mean suffers. During our some four plus hours together, she taught me a lot about pursuing perfection in the Lord’s way.
She told of wanting to see herself as the Lord sees her, wanting to know what his expectations were for her. After hours on her knees and more hours in quiet contemplation, she learned that the Lord wants her to be happy -- to experience gladness despite her health limitations. Nothing dramatic, but something definitely worth pursuing.
I guess it’s all about perspective. When I’ve got the BIG PICTURE in view, I feel encouraged and capable of accomplishing whatever the Lord requires of me. But when I remove the spiritual lens, I’m back to feeling inadequate. Is it any wonder that we’re counseled to read our scriptures daily? They help keep life in proper perspective. Ditto the temple. And church meetings. And family home evening. And especially prayer.
I guess that answers my question about how I can help my son. I can teach him that staying spiritually focused is the key to happiness, the only way to properly pursue perfection. Most importantly, I can show by example that like Paul, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The Nuts and Bolts of Nagging
Okay, so I was going to write a long, detailed piece about nagging. But who wants to read something long and detailed about nagging? No one.
Instead, I’ll give it to you straight. I’m making peace with nagging. I’ve taken a poll, and all wives nag. All mothers nag. Some more successfully than others. But no one wants to be a nag. I often catch myself doing something that’s really the duty of another member of our household simply because I’m tired of asking them to do it. But the thing is, if I continue repeating that action pattern, pretty soon EVERYTHING is mine to do.
So here’s the deal. Nagging is a good thing. But the key to successful nagging is all in the presentation – how you go about it. Timing is important. If you ask your child to do a job while they’re in the middle of an engrossing activity, they’re not going to want to do it. (This is a good reason to limit TV watching, video games, and other such distractions.) Keep your voice low when making your request. High-pitched requests are going to sound whiney and will be less effective. If your child (or husband) gives you flack, ask them when it would be a better time to do the job. Then set a timer. When it goes off, remind them of their commitment and be firm. Be cheerful. If you can make your request into a game, go for it!
A little organization goes a long way. A job chart is nothing more than nagging in writing. It communicates what’s expected without you having to say it. You’ll also have less verbal nagging to do if you make jobs a part of your family’s daily routine. At my friend Linda’s house, having their bed made is a prerequisite for getting breakfast. In our home the kids don’t get to play with friends or watch TV until their chores are done. There are times when they get sloppy in their duties or need reminding, but for the most part my kids complete all sorts of tasks every day without any reminders from me. (Having well-trained children is even better than having a well-trained dog.)
Think outside the box, or the chest of drawers, as the case may be. For a while I had a hard time getting Loula Belle to change her underwear every day. Each laundry day I’d tell her, “You only had three pairs of panties in the wash this week. That’s gross.” She didn’t seem to care. Eventually I left a note taped to her dresser that said, “Help! We’re suffocating in here! We’re your underwear, and we like to get out of this cramped drawer. Please wear a different one of us each day. We’d be so much happier. How about it? Help us get out and about!” It made Lou laugh and got my point across in a totally new way.
Gimmicks are good. Young kids like stickers. Older kids often go for cold, hard cash. Only you know what motivates your husband. If it works, do it.
I don’t have any studies to back me up, but I believe that mothers who are successful at nagging are happier than mothers who don’t nag at all. The non-naggers are the ones doing everything themselves, and that makes for lots of resentment.
Don’t become the grumpy cleaning lady. Embrace nagging. If you need to call it something else, borrow a term from my own mother. She calls it “spaced repetition.” I call it good communication.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Instead, I’ll give it to you straight. I’m making peace with nagging. I’ve taken a poll, and all wives nag. All mothers nag. Some more successfully than others. But no one wants to be a nag. I often catch myself doing something that’s really the duty of another member of our household simply because I’m tired of asking them to do it. But the thing is, if I continue repeating that action pattern, pretty soon EVERYTHING is mine to do.
So here’s the deal. Nagging is a good thing. But the key to successful nagging is all in the presentation – how you go about it. Timing is important. If you ask your child to do a job while they’re in the middle of an engrossing activity, they’re not going to want to do it. (This is a good reason to limit TV watching, video games, and other such distractions.) Keep your voice low when making your request. High-pitched requests are going to sound whiney and will be less effective. If your child (or husband) gives you flack, ask them when it would be a better time to do the job. Then set a timer. When it goes off, remind them of their commitment and be firm. Be cheerful. If you can make your request into a game, go for it!
A little organization goes a long way. A job chart is nothing more than nagging in writing. It communicates what’s expected without you having to say it. You’ll also have less verbal nagging to do if you make jobs a part of your family’s daily routine. At my friend Linda’s house, having their bed made is a prerequisite for getting breakfast. In our home the kids don’t get to play with friends or watch TV until their chores are done. There are times when they get sloppy in their duties or need reminding, but for the most part my kids complete all sorts of tasks every day without any reminders from me. (Having well-trained children is even better than having a well-trained dog.)
Think outside the box, or the chest of drawers, as the case may be. For a while I had a hard time getting Loula Belle to change her underwear every day. Each laundry day I’d tell her, “You only had three pairs of panties in the wash this week. That’s gross.” She didn’t seem to care. Eventually I left a note taped to her dresser that said, “Help! We’re suffocating in here! We’re your underwear, and we like to get out of this cramped drawer. Please wear a different one of us each day. We’d be so much happier. How about it? Help us get out and about!” It made Lou laugh and got my point across in a totally new way.
Gimmicks are good. Young kids like stickers. Older kids often go for cold, hard cash. Only you know what motivates your husband. If it works, do it.
I don’t have any studies to back me up, but I believe that mothers who are successful at nagging are happier than mothers who don’t nag at all. The non-naggers are the ones doing everything themselves, and that makes for lots of resentment.
Don’t become the grumpy cleaning lady. Embrace nagging. If you need to call it something else, borrow a term from my own mother. She calls it “spaced repetition.” I call it good communication.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ever feel like you've prepped your whole life for something else?
I was reading a comment my friend left on another blog where she wrote, "Sometime I feel like I've prepped my whole life for something else." I've had those same feelings. Still have then, in fact.
I grew up as a fairly typical over-achiever. Valedictorian in high school. One of the top three English graduates at USU in 1994. And I bought into the whole notion that a woman could be anything. Do anything. Really have it all. And what have I become? An at-home mom. (I don't like the term "Stay-at-home" Mom. It sounds like a command for a dog.)
For three years I wrote a self-syndicated parenting column. It kept my emotional boat afloat while my kids were tiny. But eventually it began to pull me away from them. Plus I had un-diagnosed depression. Talk about miserable.
Even this past year, with my kids all in school, I've wondered what I should be doing. (Why is it that we as LDS women give ourselves so many "shoulds?") Anyway, I made it a matter of prayer, fasting and study. And I found out that humble as it is, the Lord needs me right here in the home. Not only that, I learned that I need to be content too. (Big sigh. I'm still working on that.)
When some girlfriends and I got together for lunch a few weeks ago, I asked them if their lives are what they expected them to be. All three said, "Yes. Why, what did you expect?"
I guess I expected to be famous. Important. A best-selling author. And I expected parenting to be easier. After all, wasn't I easy to raise? (Don't answer that, Mom.)
My question for my friends was, "How did you know not to have out-of-control expectations for yourselves?" Their answer: we always planned on staying home with our kids.
Now that I've had a bit more time to noodle over their responses, I've noticed that they have one big thing in common -- their mothers stayed at home.
Mine, on the other hand, was a working mom. Something that I think really is a calling for her. She's done an excellent job raising us and teaching many other kids as well. I guess I always planned on following in her footsteps. (She's famous at the Middle School where she teaches, gives motivational talks to women's groups, and turns anything and everything into an excuse to have fun.) I never stopped to think that what's been good for her might not be right for me.
So, here I am at the homefront. As the days and weeks go by I'm getting better at being a content at-home mom. I'm even learning to stop pestering the Lord to see if the time is right to alter my occupation.
In preparing a Sunday school lesson I came across an excerpt from Lucy Mack Smith's History of Joseph Smith. She had recorded the whole experience of Martin Harris losing the first 116 pages of manuscript for the Book of Mormon. She quoted Joseph as saying, "I should have been satisfied with the first answer which I received from the Lord." It really struck home for me. Ever since then I've been trying to be satisfied with what I've been called to do.
Just lately I've developed a new way to look at the lumps and bumps of life. The way I see it husbands, children, in-laws, housework even -- all help to knock off the rough edges of our emerging character. Not an easy process, and one that won't be done in this lifetime, but every little bit that's knocked off gets us closer and closer to being a beautiful, carefully crafted diamond.
So, just think, we're no longer the black little bit of coal that we were when we came into this world. Look at your wedding ring and envision your own bright future!
I figure that the Lord's not done with me yet. I've yet to put my big mouth to some serious work for Him. I just gotta remember to keep my expectations in check. But is that like telling someone not to dream? 'Cause I don't ever want to stop dreaming. Stop creating possibilities that might someday involve me.
What do you think?
I grew up as a fairly typical over-achiever. Valedictorian in high school. One of the top three English graduates at USU in 1994. And I bought into the whole notion that a woman could be anything. Do anything. Really have it all. And what have I become? An at-home mom. (I don't like the term "Stay-at-home" Mom. It sounds like a command for a dog.)
For three years I wrote a self-syndicated parenting column. It kept my emotional boat afloat while my kids were tiny. But eventually it began to pull me away from them. Plus I had un-diagnosed depression. Talk about miserable.
Even this past year, with my kids all in school, I've wondered what I should be doing. (Why is it that we as LDS women give ourselves so many "shoulds?") Anyway, I made it a matter of prayer, fasting and study. And I found out that humble as it is, the Lord needs me right here in the home. Not only that, I learned that I need to be content too. (Big sigh. I'm still working on that.)
When some girlfriends and I got together for lunch a few weeks ago, I asked them if their lives are what they expected them to be. All three said, "Yes. Why, what did you expect?"
I guess I expected to be famous. Important. A best-selling author. And I expected parenting to be easier. After all, wasn't I easy to raise? (Don't answer that, Mom.)
My question for my friends was, "How did you know not to have out-of-control expectations for yourselves?" Their answer: we always planned on staying home with our kids.
Now that I've had a bit more time to noodle over their responses, I've noticed that they have one big thing in common -- their mothers stayed at home.
Mine, on the other hand, was a working mom. Something that I think really is a calling for her. She's done an excellent job raising us and teaching many other kids as well. I guess I always planned on following in her footsteps. (She's famous at the Middle School where she teaches, gives motivational talks to women's groups, and turns anything and everything into an excuse to have fun.) I never stopped to think that what's been good for her might not be right for me.
So, here I am at the homefront. As the days and weeks go by I'm getting better at being a content at-home mom. I'm even learning to stop pestering the Lord to see if the time is right to alter my occupation.
In preparing a Sunday school lesson I came across an excerpt from Lucy Mack Smith's History of Joseph Smith. She had recorded the whole experience of Martin Harris losing the first 116 pages of manuscript for the Book of Mormon. She quoted Joseph as saying, "I should have been satisfied with the first answer which I received from the Lord." It really struck home for me. Ever since then I've been trying to be satisfied with what I've been called to do.
Just lately I've developed a new way to look at the lumps and bumps of life. The way I see it husbands, children, in-laws, housework even -- all help to knock off the rough edges of our emerging character. Not an easy process, and one that won't be done in this lifetime, but every little bit that's knocked off gets us closer and closer to being a beautiful, carefully crafted diamond.
So, just think, we're no longer the black little bit of coal that we were when we came into this world. Look at your wedding ring and envision your own bright future!
I figure that the Lord's not done with me yet. I've yet to put my big mouth to some serious work for Him. I just gotta remember to keep my expectations in check. But is that like telling someone not to dream? 'Cause I don't ever want to stop dreaming. Stop creating possibilities that might someday involve me.
What do you think?
For the Strength of Mothers . . .
Don’t look now, but yesterday I emptied our truck of 36 bags of sand. They weighed 50 pounds each. And, because I wanted to really challenge myself, I started my stopwatch. Are you ready for this? I moved 1800 lbs. of sand in 9 minutes 26 seconds! (If there had been just four more bags, I would’ve moved a ton of sand. Whew!)
You might be asking yourself why I was moving sand in the first place. Because it’s crunch time for my son’s Eagle Scout project. He’s putting in a set of horseshoe pits at our local park, and we kind of jumped the gun when we purchased the sand. (We should have waited until later today.) As it was, my husband didn’t figure that leaving 1800 lbs. of sand in the back of our truck for 30 hours would be a very good idea. And since Bug was up at the park staking out where the rest of his troop would help him dig the pits, the sand emptying fell to me.
You’d better believe that I got good and sweaty toting all that sand. I even wondered if I’d regret it today, but I’m happy to report that I’m feeling great! In fact, this morning at aerobics I only felt a little bit of tightness in my lower back. Nothing too bad. I guess that all these months of aerobics and weight training has really paid off. It just goes to show that fitness can’t always be measured with a scale. ‘Cause the scale still says what it did at the end of October of 2006, but I definitely feel a whole lot more fit.
On a different note, I must gush about my favorite watch. It’s a Timex Ironman Triathlon slim design. Although I don’t use it much for exercise, and I’d never dream of trying to train for a triathlon, I use it all the time in my motherly activities. It has three different alarms. I set one to go off on Tuesdays at 2:50 P.M. to help me remember to pick up Bug from piano lessons. (Prior to setting the alarm I’d forget half the time.) The others I use for similar purposes. They’re great as reminders.
I also use the timer feature a lot when cooking. The self-frosting chocolate zucchini cake my family likes takes 40 minutes to bake. I simply set my watch timer and then wander. That way I don’t have to be in the kitchen listening for the oven timer. If you have small children who sometimes have a hard time sharing their toys with siblings or friends, you could set the timer on your watch for 5 minutes and at the end of the time have your child swap toys with the other child. (I’ve found that after both kids have had a chance to play with the toy they seldom need a trading timer again.)
Last of all I use the stopwatch as a motivational tool. Like yesterday’s sand moving. Only sometimes I use it with the kids. I say something like, “We need to clean this bathroom. Let’s time it and see how fast we can get it done.” Nothing like a time incentive to get them moving.
Well, that’s it for today. Tomorrow the kids head back to school, and I hope to be a more diligent blogger. Ta-ta for now.
You might be asking yourself why I was moving sand in the first place. Because it’s crunch time for my son’s Eagle Scout project. He’s putting in a set of horseshoe pits at our local park, and we kind of jumped the gun when we purchased the sand. (We should have waited until later today.) As it was, my husband didn’t figure that leaving 1800 lbs. of sand in the back of our truck for 30 hours would be a very good idea. And since Bug was up at the park staking out where the rest of his troop would help him dig the pits, the sand emptying fell to me.
You’d better believe that I got good and sweaty toting all that sand. I even wondered if I’d regret it today, but I’m happy to report that I’m feeling great! In fact, this morning at aerobics I only felt a little bit of tightness in my lower back. Nothing too bad. I guess that all these months of aerobics and weight training has really paid off. It just goes to show that fitness can’t always be measured with a scale. ‘Cause the scale still says what it did at the end of October of 2006, but I definitely feel a whole lot more fit.
On a different note, I must gush about my favorite watch. It’s a Timex Ironman Triathlon slim design. Although I don’t use it much for exercise, and I’d never dream of trying to train for a triathlon, I use it all the time in my motherly activities. It has three different alarms. I set one to go off on Tuesdays at 2:50 P.M. to help me remember to pick up Bug from piano lessons. (Prior to setting the alarm I’d forget half the time.) The others I use for similar purposes. They’re great as reminders.
I also use the timer feature a lot when cooking. The self-frosting chocolate zucchini cake my family likes takes 40 minutes to bake. I simply set my watch timer and then wander. That way I don’t have to be in the kitchen listening for the oven timer. If you have small children who sometimes have a hard time sharing their toys with siblings or friends, you could set the timer on your watch for 5 minutes and at the end of the time have your child swap toys with the other child. (I’ve found that after both kids have had a chance to play with the toy they seldom need a trading timer again.)
Last of all I use the stopwatch as a motivational tool. Like yesterday’s sand moving. Only sometimes I use it with the kids. I say something like, “We need to clean this bathroom. Let’s time it and see how fast we can get it done.” Nothing like a time incentive to get them moving.
Well, that’s it for today. Tomorrow the kids head back to school, and I hope to be a more diligent blogger. Ta-ta for now.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 2 / 23 Summer Sanity Savers
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Whether it’s scribbling with black permanent marker on your cream-colored bedspread, teasing and tormenting a younger sibling just to hear them squawk, bringing a "pet" preying mantis into the house, or asking for a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, lunch and dinner – kids have a knack for driving parents crazy.
If you’ve come to the end of your rope, try some of these tips to regain your sanity.
1. Just say no. Practice saying no to extra activities and projects that you don’t have time for.
2. Let go of things beyond your control.
3. Keep a gratitude journal. Before going to bed at night, write down five things that you’re grateful for from the day. ("I’m grateful for Band-aids.")
4. Occasionally eat cold cereal for supper.
5. Give yourself more time when you have to do anything with kids.
6. Connect with your kids. Studies show that the more you distance yourself from your kids, the easier it is to get angry at them.
7. Read to your kids or have them read to you.
8. Do the unexpected. Every so often Jared delights in playing copy-cat. It drives me nuts. One day, instead of letting it get my goat, I said, "I think I’d like to clean toilets today." He repeated it, and we both ended up laughing.
9. Don’t forget to pray. Try this one: "Dear Lord, so far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m really glad about that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to be getting out of bed. And from then on, I’m going to need a lot more help. Amen."
10. Feed children before taking them grocery shopping, and avoid going when it’s close to nap time.
11. Enjoy present pleasures. Savor holding your little boy’s hand while he’ll still let you. Sing "The eensy-weensy spider" with your daughter. Kiss a face covered in cookie crumbs.
12. Exercise.
13. Keep romance alive. Establish a ‘date night’ – or at least set aside money each month for dating. Also, play board games together as a couple once the kids have gone to bed.
14. Read one of Erma Bombeck’s books.
15. Occasionally put yourself in time-out. Explain to the kids that you need some time to cool off. Then go to your room and shut the door.
16. Whisper. Sing. Yodel. Do something creative to get your child’s attention.
17. Get more sleep. If your kids take naps, join them. Otherwise, try to hit the sack early.
18. Capture childhood’s Kodak moments – faces after a spaghetti dinner, kids playing in fall leaves.
19. Make friends with your neighbors.
20. Ask spouse and other family members for help. (Note: If you want continuing cooperation from your spouse and others, give them a job and let them do it. Don’t insist that it be done your way, or it may not get done at all.)
21. Build some quiet time into every day for thinking and relaxing.
22. Establish an early bedtime for the kids and stick to it.
23. Work on demanding tasks when you have the most energy.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Whether it’s scribbling with black permanent marker on your cream-colored bedspread, teasing and tormenting a younger sibling just to hear them squawk, bringing a "pet" preying mantis into the house, or asking for a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, lunch and dinner – kids have a knack for driving parents crazy.
If you’ve come to the end of your rope, try some of these tips to regain your sanity.
1. Just say no. Practice saying no to extra activities and projects that you don’t have time for.
2. Let go of things beyond your control.
3. Keep a gratitude journal. Before going to bed at night, write down five things that you’re grateful for from the day. ("I’m grateful for Band-aids.")
4. Occasionally eat cold cereal for supper.
5. Give yourself more time when you have to do anything with kids.
6. Connect with your kids. Studies show that the more you distance yourself from your kids, the easier it is to get angry at them.
7. Read to your kids or have them read to you.
8. Do the unexpected. Every so often Jared delights in playing copy-cat. It drives me nuts. One day, instead of letting it get my goat, I said, "I think I’d like to clean toilets today." He repeated it, and we both ended up laughing.
9. Don’t forget to pray. Try this one: "Dear Lord, so far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m really glad about that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to be getting out of bed. And from then on, I’m going to need a lot more help. Amen."
10. Feed children before taking them grocery shopping, and avoid going when it’s close to nap time.
11. Enjoy present pleasures. Savor holding your little boy’s hand while he’ll still let you. Sing "The eensy-weensy spider" with your daughter. Kiss a face covered in cookie crumbs.
12. Exercise.
13. Keep romance alive. Establish a ‘date night’ – or at least set aside money each month for dating. Also, play board games together as a couple once the kids have gone to bed.
14. Read one of Erma Bombeck’s books.
15. Occasionally put yourself in time-out. Explain to the kids that you need some time to cool off. Then go to your room and shut the door.
16. Whisper. Sing. Yodel. Do something creative to get your child’s attention.
17. Get more sleep. If your kids take naps, join them. Otherwise, try to hit the sack early.
18. Capture childhood’s Kodak moments – faces after a spaghetti dinner, kids playing in fall leaves.
19. Make friends with your neighbors.
20. Ask spouse and other family members for help. (Note: If you want continuing cooperation from your spouse and others, give them a job and let them do it. Don’t insist that it be done your way, or it may not get done at all.)
21. Build some quiet time into every day for thinking and relaxing.
22. Establish an early bedtime for the kids and stick to it.
23. Work on demanding tasks when you have the most energy.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Friday, June 22, 2007
Trenches / Chapter Two / Stop the Whining!
Were I to write my own personal dictionary, under whine it would say: 1) to generate a high-pitched nasal sound that torments, pesters and annoys parents into giving you your own way; 2) to complain over every little thing in an extremely aggravating and childish way.
No one I know needs the definition of whining. We all know what it is. Many of us hear it all too often. What we do need, however, are strategies to reduce the amount of whining we’re exposed to.
Believe it or not, whining is a natural phenomenon. All kids whine–at least until they’re taught other appropriate ways to communicate. In fact, whining is the stepping stone between crying and gaining the ability to verbalize requests. Babies, for instance, cry to get you to feed and change them. Toddlers rely on the same plaintive tones, plus words, to express their wants.
Kids also whine because it works. Just ask my daughter. I often give into Amanda’s whining simply because she’ll stop making that annoying noise. Knowing this, she then resorts to whining because it gets results. Our behaviors reinforce each other, and we’re caught in a classic catch-22.
So what can a parent do? Is it possible to have a whine-free home? I certainly hope so.
First off, there are all sorts of reasons kids whine, and just one strategy won’t work in every situation. For example, if your normally sunny child is unusually whiny, perhaps she’s feeling under the weather. Caring for the aches, in this case, often cures the whine.
Same goes for tired kids. If whine-fests are triggered by morning rushes, missed or late naps, and bedtime, consider ways to help your child get more rest – an earlier bedtime or maybe half an hour of "quiet time" in place of outgrown naps.
When trying to reduce whining in your home, there are a number of responses that don’t work at all. They include:
threats – If you don’t stop whining, you won’t get dessert.
commands – Stop it right now!
giving in – Oh, all right. You can have the toy.
making vague promises – We’ll do it later.
and whining yourself.
Instead, try these strategies that are effective against whining:
labeling the whine -- That’s a whine. It’s not a very good way to ask for
something. Here’s a better way to say it . . .
ignoring – I don’t listen when you whine. Or say nothing at all.
using empathy – You sound unhappy. Sit here for a minute and think about why you’re sad. When you’re calmer, I’ll help you.
and praising – I liked how you asked me that. You’re doing much better at not
whining, and that makes me happy!
My personal favorite is the line my mother-in-law uses with her first graders. When a student asks for something in a whiney voice, she simply says, "Would you please speak in your low voice?"
I’ve tried it with my daughter, and it actually works!
I'd love to hear any success stories and strategies that you have.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
No one I know needs the definition of whining. We all know what it is. Many of us hear it all too often. What we do need, however, are strategies to reduce the amount of whining we’re exposed to.
Believe it or not, whining is a natural phenomenon. All kids whine–at least until they’re taught other appropriate ways to communicate. In fact, whining is the stepping stone between crying and gaining the ability to verbalize requests. Babies, for instance, cry to get you to feed and change them. Toddlers rely on the same plaintive tones, plus words, to express their wants.
Kids also whine because it works. Just ask my daughter. I often give into Amanda’s whining simply because she’ll stop making that annoying noise. Knowing this, she then resorts to whining because it gets results. Our behaviors reinforce each other, and we’re caught in a classic catch-22.
So what can a parent do? Is it possible to have a whine-free home? I certainly hope so.
First off, there are all sorts of reasons kids whine, and just one strategy won’t work in every situation. For example, if your normally sunny child is unusually whiny, perhaps she’s feeling under the weather. Caring for the aches, in this case, often cures the whine.
Same goes for tired kids. If whine-fests are triggered by morning rushes, missed or late naps, and bedtime, consider ways to help your child get more rest – an earlier bedtime or maybe half an hour of "quiet time" in place of outgrown naps.
When trying to reduce whining in your home, there are a number of responses that don’t work at all. They include:
threats – If you don’t stop whining, you won’t get dessert.
commands – Stop it right now!
giving in – Oh, all right. You can have the toy.
making vague promises – We’ll do it later.
and whining yourself.
Instead, try these strategies that are effective against whining:
labeling the whine -- That’s a whine. It’s not a very good way to ask for
something. Here’s a better way to say it . . .
ignoring – I don’t listen when you whine. Or say nothing at all.
using empathy – You sound unhappy. Sit here for a minute and think about why you’re sad. When you’re calmer, I’ll help you.
and praising – I liked how you asked me that. You’re doing much better at not
whining, and that makes me happy!
My personal favorite is the line my mother-in-law uses with her first graders. When a student asks for something in a whiney voice, she simply says, "Would you please speak in your low voice?"
I’ve tried it with my daughter, and it actually works!
I'd love to hear any success stories and strategies that you have.
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / The Lap of Luxury
Lately the realities of motherhood have been wearing on me. I'm getting tired of toting laundry up and down the stairs. I dread trying to figure out what to have for dinner night after night. And if I find another stray toy in my closet, I think I'll scream.
To escape my life of drudgery, I turned to the ever-popular pastime of daydreaming. I imagined that instead of a frumpy housewife I was a wealthy heiress.
With my fabricated fortune, I immediately hired a housekeeper and a cook. No more cleaning toilets or mopping floors for me! Never again would I have to confront the question of what to make for dinner.
I wondered what other staff positions my imaginary wealth would support. A chauffeur for the kids? A personal fitness trainer? The possibilities seemed endless.
"Mom, does this shirt go with these shorts?" My son's question temporarily interrupted my flight of fancy. I replied in the affirmative and added "personal wardrobe consultant" to my mental list of new hires.
Again my thoughts were grounded when my daughter toddled in, a brush and ribbon in hand. I pulled her hair into a ponytail like she wanted, and continued to dream. Yes, having my own hairdresser would also be a nice convenience.
I spent a few more minutes living in my make-believe mansion before it became necessary to return to real-life motherhood. My daughter's nose and diaper both needed immediate attention.
As I wiped my daughter's nose and fastened the tape on her clean diaper, it struck me that here was the girl who lived in the lap of luxury. Both she and her brother breeze through most days, their every need being met. They have a cook, housekeeper, laundress, storyteller and more. Me.
As I contemplated their pampered lifestyle, I thought of my own childhood. My feelings of self-pity instantly vanished. For the first time, I realized that I have had my own cook, housekeeper, and laundry service. I was just too young and self-absorbed to appreciate her.
Today I hope to make amends, to let my mother know that I am beginning to understand what she has done for me. I don't remember crying for a bottle in the middle of the night, but I bet she recalls getting up and soothing me back to sleep.
Family photo albums show me getting all sorts of toys for Christmas. I have vague memories of playing with some of the gifts, but don't ask me where our old toy box was located. I only emptied it. I'm sure Mom, on the other hand, remembers filling it.
And talk about laundry. I've got it easy. Mom raised kids in the days before disposable diapers. Although I don't ever recall wearing a diaper fastened with safety pins, I doubt Mom will ever forget washing, drying and folding enough white flannel squares for diapering two little girls.
It may seem a strange sentiment to declare for Mother's Day, but Mom, I want to tell you thanks for being the best nurse, housekeeper, cook, teacher, maid and chauffeur a little girl could wish for.
To escape my life of drudgery, I turned to the ever-popular pastime of daydreaming. I imagined that instead of a frumpy housewife I was a wealthy heiress.
With my fabricated fortune, I immediately hired a housekeeper and a cook. No more cleaning toilets or mopping floors for me! Never again would I have to confront the question of what to make for dinner.
I wondered what other staff positions my imaginary wealth would support. A chauffeur for the kids? A personal fitness trainer? The possibilities seemed endless.
"Mom, does this shirt go with these shorts?" My son's question temporarily interrupted my flight of fancy. I replied in the affirmative and added "personal wardrobe consultant" to my mental list of new hires.
Again my thoughts were grounded when my daughter toddled in, a brush and ribbon in hand. I pulled her hair into a ponytail like she wanted, and continued to dream. Yes, having my own hairdresser would also be a nice convenience.
I spent a few more minutes living in my make-believe mansion before it became necessary to return to real-life motherhood. My daughter's nose and diaper both needed immediate attention.
As I wiped my daughter's nose and fastened the tape on her clean diaper, it struck me that here was the girl who lived in the lap of luxury. Both she and her brother breeze through most days, their every need being met. They have a cook, housekeeper, laundress, storyteller and more. Me.
As I contemplated their pampered lifestyle, I thought of my own childhood. My feelings of self-pity instantly vanished. For the first time, I realized that I have had my own cook, housekeeper, and laundry service. I was just too young and self-absorbed to appreciate her.
Today I hope to make amends, to let my mother know that I am beginning to understand what she has done for me. I don't remember crying for a bottle in the middle of the night, but I bet she recalls getting up and soothing me back to sleep.
Family photo albums show me getting all sorts of toys for Christmas. I have vague memories of playing with some of the gifts, but don't ask me where our old toy box was located. I only emptied it. I'm sure Mom, on the other hand, remembers filling it.
And talk about laundry. I've got it easy. Mom raised kids in the days before disposable diapers. Although I don't ever recall wearing a diaper fastened with safety pins, I doubt Mom will ever forget washing, drying and folding enough white flannel squares for diapering two little girls.
It may seem a strange sentiment to declare for Mother's Day, but Mom, I want to tell you thanks for being the best nurse, housekeeper, cook, teacher, maid and chauffeur a little girl could wish for.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Perfect Mom, My Foot!
For many moms, Mother's Day means facing the love/hate relationship they have with the holiday. They love the extra help they get around the house and the cute kid-made cards, but they hate the guilt trip – feeling like they’re anything but the perfect mom.
Who is this perfect mom everyone seems to venerate on Mothers’ Day? Does she exist? Is she the woman who keeps her cool while reprimanding her kids for leaving a path of destruction in the grocery store? Could she be your child’s friend’s mother – the one he keeps referencing every time he doesn’t agree with how you handle things? Perhaps it’s your neighbor. She is a devoted wife and mother to six children, maintains a spotless house and cooks a homemade meal every night.
Sorry to say, but none of these ladies qualify as the perfect mom. In fact, she’s a myth. She doesn’t exist. Repeat after me, "There is no such thing as a perfect mom."
Part of the reason we cling to the belief that there is a perfect mom out there is because we’re not privy to insider information. In other words, we get only a limited look into other moms’ behavior.
I’ll use my own mother as an example (sorry, Mom). My mom teaches school and gives motivational talks in our community. She’s a dynamic and enthusiastic woman. Growing up friends would say to me, "You’re lucky. It must be fun having her for a mom." Having only limited experience with my mom, they saw only one side of the story.
I, on the other hand, lived day in and day out with the real Mrs. Austin. And she did all the things that regular mothers do. She nagged, told me to do things I didn’t want to do, nagged some more, didn’t always see things like I saw them, and when provoked, lost her cool.
Another reason we feel guilty on Mothers’ Day and believe someone else must be doing things better is because we have a selective memory. When our kids give us cute little cards telling us we’re loving, kind and good – the best mom in the world -- we remember our outburst over yesterday’s muddy trail through the house. And we don’t quite feel worthy of the generous praise and adoration.
Unlike Moms, kids tend to focus on fun. If asked, they might recall the episode of the muddy shoes, but they’ve likely moved on.
For children, Mothers’ Day means thinking about all the good things Mom does for them. Whether it’s reading them a bedtime story, letting them eat ice cream before dinner, or giving them an under-dog on the swings at the park, kids know moms are fun.
On Mothers’ Day, cut yourself some slack. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, that every mom has her bad days. Instead of dwelling on your short-comings and weaknesses, focus on your strengths.
Listen when your kids say, "You’re the best!" They believe it, and you should too!
Who is this perfect mom everyone seems to venerate on Mothers’ Day? Does she exist? Is she the woman who keeps her cool while reprimanding her kids for leaving a path of destruction in the grocery store? Could she be your child’s friend’s mother – the one he keeps referencing every time he doesn’t agree with how you handle things? Perhaps it’s your neighbor. She is a devoted wife and mother to six children, maintains a spotless house and cooks a homemade meal every night.
Sorry to say, but none of these ladies qualify as the perfect mom. In fact, she’s a myth. She doesn’t exist. Repeat after me, "There is no such thing as a perfect mom."
Part of the reason we cling to the belief that there is a perfect mom out there is because we’re not privy to insider information. In other words, we get only a limited look into other moms’ behavior.
I’ll use my own mother as an example (sorry, Mom). My mom teaches school and gives motivational talks in our community. She’s a dynamic and enthusiastic woman. Growing up friends would say to me, "You’re lucky. It must be fun having her for a mom." Having only limited experience with my mom, they saw only one side of the story.
I, on the other hand, lived day in and day out with the real Mrs. Austin. And she did all the things that regular mothers do. She nagged, told me to do things I didn’t want to do, nagged some more, didn’t always see things like I saw them, and when provoked, lost her cool.
Another reason we feel guilty on Mothers’ Day and believe someone else must be doing things better is because we have a selective memory. When our kids give us cute little cards telling us we’re loving, kind and good – the best mom in the world -- we remember our outburst over yesterday’s muddy trail through the house. And we don’t quite feel worthy of the generous praise and adoration.
Unlike Moms, kids tend to focus on fun. If asked, they might recall the episode of the muddy shoes, but they’ve likely moved on.
For children, Mothers’ Day means thinking about all the good things Mom does for them. Whether it’s reading them a bedtime story, letting them eat ice cream before dinner, or giving them an under-dog on the swings at the park, kids know moms are fun.
On Mothers’ Day, cut yourself some slack. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, that every mom has her bad days. Instead of dwelling on your short-comings and weaknesses, focus on your strengths.
Listen when your kids say, "You’re the best!" They believe it, and you should too!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Be different -- be great!
One of my mother's favorite phrases is, "Revel in your idiosyncrasies." I think the first time I heard her use the saying, I was about 13. "Revel in your what?" was my reaction. I had no idea what idiosyncrasies were, but they certainly didn't sound like anything I wanted to revel in.
Eventually I learned that idiosyncrasies are the little quirks, mannerisms, and personal peculiarities that make each of us unique. A light bulb came on.
"A-ha," I thought. "No wonder Mom wants to revel in her idiosyncrasies. She has a ton!"
My mother is to earrings what Imelda Marcos is to shoes. She speaks fluent Pig Latin, has her own rubber vomit, delights in collecting Halloween costume accessories, strikes up conversations with strangers standing in line at the grocery store, and is the best pie-maker in northern Utah. And she's proud of it.
You might think my Mom sounds like a nut. She is. You might also wonder how all of this ties into parenting. I'll tell you.
Parents who revel in their idiosyncrasies send their children the message that being different isn't just okay, it's wonderful. This, in turn, can give kids the ability to accept, even celebrate, their own unique traits and abilities.
"All right," you say. "So we each have idiosyncrasies. But when do busy parents who are usually focused on their kids get time to revel?"
Truth is, it takes time, planning, and a little patience.
Just ask Kathryn Stevens, mother of 11 children. As a high schooler she participated in the annual Powder Puff Derby -- an all-girl drag race held at the county fair. This, combined with the influence of older brothers who meticulously cared for their cars, left her with a love for classy automobiles.
The summer before she got married, Kathryn worked in Ann Harbor, Michigan, and before coming home she bought a brand new '67 Pontiac Firebird direct from Detroit. It was her first love.
With marriage and children, however, the car soon spent more and more time parked in the garage. Eventually, the Stevens sold the car and bought a vehicle that would fit their growing family. In spite of this, Kathryn never stopped loving her '67 Firebird.
A few years ago Kathryn tracked down her beloved car, now greatly in need of repair, and she bought it. It has been restored to its original glory, complete with candy apple red paint, black vinyl top and red interior.
Every year Kathryn enters the car in a local cruise-in and enjoys seeing people do double-takes. Perhaps they're asking themselves, "What is a mild-mannered housewife doing with a car like that?"
The answer is simple. She's just reveling in her idiosyncrasies!
Eventually I learned that idiosyncrasies are the little quirks, mannerisms, and personal peculiarities that make each of us unique. A light bulb came on.
"A-ha," I thought. "No wonder Mom wants to revel in her idiosyncrasies. She has a ton!"
My mother is to earrings what Imelda Marcos is to shoes. She speaks fluent Pig Latin, has her own rubber vomit, delights in collecting Halloween costume accessories, strikes up conversations with strangers standing in line at the grocery store, and is the best pie-maker in northern Utah. And she's proud of it.
You might think my Mom sounds like a nut. She is. You might also wonder how all of this ties into parenting. I'll tell you.
Parents who revel in their idiosyncrasies send their children the message that being different isn't just okay, it's wonderful. This, in turn, can give kids the ability to accept, even celebrate, their own unique traits and abilities.
"All right," you say. "So we each have idiosyncrasies. But when do busy parents who are usually focused on their kids get time to revel?"
Truth is, it takes time, planning, and a little patience.
Just ask Kathryn Stevens, mother of 11 children. As a high schooler she participated in the annual Powder Puff Derby -- an all-girl drag race held at the county fair. This, combined with the influence of older brothers who meticulously cared for their cars, left her with a love for classy automobiles.
The summer before she got married, Kathryn worked in Ann Harbor, Michigan, and before coming home she bought a brand new '67 Pontiac Firebird direct from Detroit. It was her first love.
With marriage and children, however, the car soon spent more and more time parked in the garage. Eventually, the Stevens sold the car and bought a vehicle that would fit their growing family. In spite of this, Kathryn never stopped loving her '67 Firebird.
A few years ago Kathryn tracked down her beloved car, now greatly in need of repair, and she bought it. It has been restored to its original glory, complete with candy apple red paint, black vinyl top and red interior.
Every year Kathryn enters the car in a local cruise-in and enjoys seeing people do double-takes. Perhaps they're asking themselves, "What is a mild-mannered housewife doing with a car like that?"
The answer is simple. She's just reveling in her idiosyncrasies!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Nothing Short of a Miracle
On December 6th we welcomed a new little life into our family. When I heard her first startled cries, my heart skipped a beat. "Oh! A baby. I have a baby!" Somehow the recent months of friendly tummy taps and watching my middle expand hadn’t exactly prepared me for this moment.
Even a week later I found myself holding a little bundle wrapped in pink and marveling that she was mine. The little rosebud mouth, the thick brown hair that was a departure from the Hansen norm, the long slender fingers–all belonged to my daughter.
As I rocked little Natalie and continued to examine her tiny features, I found myself thinking of my sister . . . Feeling grateful to even have a sister.
Most people are a little puzzled when I tell them that my sister and I are only five months apart. Sometimes I let them noodle over that fact a while before I explain that Sherri is adopted.
Growing up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a sister who was adopted. Basically, instead of bringing baby Sherri home from the hospital, Mom and Dad flew to California and brought her home from there instead. Although the story of how she came to be in our family was different from my own, I didn’t consider it extraordinary.
Having children, however, has altered my perspective. As I held my newborn daughter, awed that she belonged to me, I realized that years ago another mother had also held a tiny daughter–a daughter that would be hers to cherish only momentarily.
What must Sherri’s birth mother have felt, knowing that the infant she had just given life to would soon spend that life cared for by another? Although I will probably never be able to fully answer that question, I do know that sticking to her decision was anything but easy.
When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, a woman may decide to terminate the pregnancy, keep the child and raise it herself, or give the baby up for adoption. Living with any of these options creates challenges. Only one of the choices, however, made it possible for me to have a sister.
I often find myself holding my precious newborn and thinking of Sherri’s birth mother and others like her. Their decision to have a baby and choose adoption is nothing short of a miracle.
Even a week later I found myself holding a little bundle wrapped in pink and marveling that she was mine. The little rosebud mouth, the thick brown hair that was a departure from the Hansen norm, the long slender fingers–all belonged to my daughter.
As I rocked little Natalie and continued to examine her tiny features, I found myself thinking of my sister . . . Feeling grateful to even have a sister.
Most people are a little puzzled when I tell them that my sister and I are only five months apart. Sometimes I let them noodle over that fact a while before I explain that Sherri is adopted.
Growing up, I thought I knew what it meant to have a sister who was adopted. Basically, instead of bringing baby Sherri home from the hospital, Mom and Dad flew to California and brought her home from there instead. Although the story of how she came to be in our family was different from my own, I didn’t consider it extraordinary.
Having children, however, has altered my perspective. As I held my newborn daughter, awed that she belonged to me, I realized that years ago another mother had also held a tiny daughter–a daughter that would be hers to cherish only momentarily.
What must Sherri’s birth mother have felt, knowing that the infant she had just given life to would soon spend that life cared for by another? Although I will probably never be able to fully answer that question, I do know that sticking to her decision was anything but easy.
When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, a woman may decide to terminate the pregnancy, keep the child and raise it herself, or give the baby up for adoption. Living with any of these options creates challenges. Only one of the choices, however, made it possible for me to have a sister.
I often find myself holding my precious newborn and thinking of Sherri’s birth mother and others like her. Their decision to have a baby and choose adoption is nothing short of a miracle.
Monday, June 11, 2007
There's a lot of work to do! (Get help)
After posting quite a few of my "Trenches" columns, I’m realizing that they probably won’t ever make it into a book. So enjoy them for what they are. Instead, I’m hoping to use the title "I’m Not Your Slave – I’m Your Mother" to possibly write about how to get kids helping out around the home. I’m even thinking that this one might have a decidedly LDS slant. We’ll see.
In the meantime, I loved our Relief Society lesson yesterday! It was from the President Spencer W. Kimball manual – chapter 11 on provident living. It made such an impression on me that I read the following paragraph to my kids when we got home from church:
We want you parents to create work for your children. Insist on them learning their lessons in school. Do not let them play all the time. There is a time for play, there is a time for work, and there is a time to study. Be sure your children grow up like you know they ought to grow up.
I’m afraid I didn’t make it all the way through reading that paragraph to the kids without a little giggle of glee after the first three sentences. Whee!
"See," I told the kids, "we’re doing just what we’re supposed to be doing." Their response?
"We know. Dad read us that same passage too."
Now, like any other principle of spirituality, it’s the actual DOING that’s hard. So, if you’re unconvinced that having your kids help out is really worth it, or if you’d like ideas on age-appropriate tasks, job charts, reward systems – you name it – I’ve tried it. I wish that my technology arrangement here at home were better, then I’d simply have a website with Adobe files you could download and print out. (Kid Kash, charts, wheels, tokens, etc.) Until we get our new computer set up, I guess we can just do things the old-fashioned way. You can e-mail me with your needs, and I’ll e-mail you some ideas and encouragement.
In fact, I think that encouragement is just what all parents need when starting to have their kids help out. ‘Cause kids will complain. And complain. And complain. (That’s why we call our place Belly Acre Farm – because of all the bellyaching that goes on.) But don’t give up or give in.
Sure, your kids will act put out, but they will actually be building their self esteem. The more tasks they’re capable of doing on their own, the better they’ll feel about themselves. And the reverse is true. If you’re currently doing everything for your kids – especially little things they could be doing themselves – you’re sending them the message that they’re not capable, or that you don’t think they’re able to do things.
Perhaps you feel that childhood should be for relaxing and playing. I think so too! Many hands make light work. Once you’ve taught your children how to help out with the jobs around the house, EVERYONE will have more time for relaxing and playing – especially you. And kids love to spend time playing with their mothers!
In the meantime, I loved our Relief Society lesson yesterday! It was from the President Spencer W. Kimball manual – chapter 11 on provident living. It made such an impression on me that I read the following paragraph to my kids when we got home from church:
We want you parents to create work for your children. Insist on them learning their lessons in school. Do not let them play all the time. There is a time for play, there is a time for work, and there is a time to study. Be sure your children grow up like you know they ought to grow up.
I’m afraid I didn’t make it all the way through reading that paragraph to the kids without a little giggle of glee after the first three sentences. Whee!
"See," I told the kids, "we’re doing just what we’re supposed to be doing." Their response?
"We know. Dad read us that same passage too."
Now, like any other principle of spirituality, it’s the actual DOING that’s hard. So, if you’re unconvinced that having your kids help out is really worth it, or if you’d like ideas on age-appropriate tasks, job charts, reward systems – you name it – I’ve tried it. I wish that my technology arrangement here at home were better, then I’d simply have a website with Adobe files you could download and print out. (Kid Kash, charts, wheels, tokens, etc.) Until we get our new computer set up, I guess we can just do things the old-fashioned way. You can e-mail me with your needs, and I’ll e-mail you some ideas and encouragement.
In fact, I think that encouragement is just what all parents need when starting to have their kids help out. ‘Cause kids will complain. And complain. And complain. (That’s why we call our place Belly Acre Farm – because of all the bellyaching that goes on.) But don’t give up or give in.
Sure, your kids will act put out, but they will actually be building their self esteem. The more tasks they’re capable of doing on their own, the better they’ll feel about themselves. And the reverse is true. If you’re currently doing everything for your kids – especially little things they could be doing themselves – you’re sending them the message that they’re not capable, or that you don’t think they’re able to do things.
Perhaps you feel that childhood should be for relaxing and playing. I think so too! Many hands make light work. Once you’ve taught your children how to help out with the jobs around the house, EVERYONE will have more time for relaxing and playing – especially you. And kids love to spend time playing with their mothers!
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Happily Ever After
Who says you need a wicked step-mother and ugly step-sisters to make you feel like Cinderella? Two young kids are enough for me. From when they wake up in the morning until they fall asleep at night, Jared and Amanda keep me hopping.
The first words out of Amanda's mouth most mornings are "high chair." She wants breakfast, and she wants it now. Jared, four and very opinionated, informs me he'll have a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of juice. Well, they're just going to have to wait until I get a batch of laundry started--Jared’s nose bled in bed again.
Halfway through breakfast I'm on my hands and knees mopping up Amanda's cereal. Moments later Jared spills his juice down the shelves of the refrigerator door. After I finish cleaning up the fridge and breakfast dishes, I discover why it's been so quiet the past few minutes. Both kids are in the bathroom having a "water experience."
Where is a fairy godmother when you need her? I'm in need of some major bibbity-bobbity-boo!
The reality is that no wand-wielding fairy is going to help me live happily ever after. Much as I'd like it to, fairy tale quackery won't alleviate any symptoms of Cinderella Syndrome. There is hope, however. In my search for a cure, I've come across some real-life remedies -- small breakthroughs that help me survive rough days of parenting.
One way to focus on the positives of parenting involves capturing the wonders of childhood -- the cute, funny, and often embarrassing things kids say and do. This doesn't require anything fancy. A notebook and pen are my favorite recording devices. Reading the following entry from Jared's notebook works like magic, transforming me back to my usual self:
July 28, 1996 -- Grandma asked Jared, "What do you eat that makes you grow big and strong?" Without hesitation he responded, "Red popsicles!"
Another attitude aid I use is a gratitude journal. Each night before going to bed, I review the day's events and find five things that I'm grateful for. Big or small, I write them down. One night I wrote, "I'm grateful Jared didn't throw-up more than once today." More recently I noted, "Happiness is a spur-of-the-moment trip to the park, pushing the kids on the swings, feeding the geese and ducks, and kicking the leaves along the sidewalk."
Keeping a gratitude journal not only helps end the day on a positive note but also provides a needed dose of perspective when Cinderella symptoms flare up.
I still cook, clean, and do laundry, and Jared and Amanda continue to create challenges. But by making an effort to capture the magical moments of childhood and cataloging my blessings in a gratitude journal, I'm happier. In fact, I'm discovering that when I stop and notice, every day contains pieces of happily ever after.
The first words out of Amanda's mouth most mornings are "high chair." She wants breakfast, and she wants it now. Jared, four and very opinionated, informs me he'll have a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of juice. Well, they're just going to have to wait until I get a batch of laundry started--Jared’s nose bled in bed again.
Halfway through breakfast I'm on my hands and knees mopping up Amanda's cereal. Moments later Jared spills his juice down the shelves of the refrigerator door. After I finish cleaning up the fridge and breakfast dishes, I discover why it's been so quiet the past few minutes. Both kids are in the bathroom having a "water experience."
Where is a fairy godmother when you need her? I'm in need of some major bibbity-bobbity-boo!
The reality is that no wand-wielding fairy is going to help me live happily ever after. Much as I'd like it to, fairy tale quackery won't alleviate any symptoms of Cinderella Syndrome. There is hope, however. In my search for a cure, I've come across some real-life remedies -- small breakthroughs that help me survive rough days of parenting.
One way to focus on the positives of parenting involves capturing the wonders of childhood -- the cute, funny, and often embarrassing things kids say and do. This doesn't require anything fancy. A notebook and pen are my favorite recording devices. Reading the following entry from Jared's notebook works like magic, transforming me back to my usual self:
July 28, 1996 -- Grandma asked Jared, "What do you eat that makes you grow big and strong?" Without hesitation he responded, "Red popsicles!"
Another attitude aid I use is a gratitude journal. Each night before going to bed, I review the day's events and find five things that I'm grateful for. Big or small, I write them down. One night I wrote, "I'm grateful Jared didn't throw-up more than once today." More recently I noted, "Happiness is a spur-of-the-moment trip to the park, pushing the kids on the swings, feeding the geese and ducks, and kicking the leaves along the sidewalk."
Keeping a gratitude journal not only helps end the day on a positive note but also provides a needed dose of perspective when Cinderella symptoms flare up.
I still cook, clean, and do laundry, and Jared and Amanda continue to create challenges. But by making an effort to capture the magical moments of childhood and cataloging my blessings in a gratitude journal, I'm happier. In fact, I'm discovering that when I stop and notice, every day contains pieces of happily ever after.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Are We Rich?
Are we rich?
My son returned from kindergarten the other day and asked me, "Mom, are we rich?"
Us, rich? Ha! Just a few hours earlier I’d written out a bundle of checks to cover our monthly bills. I felt anything but rich.
But over the next few days as I went about my usual activities, my son’s question remained at the back of my mind. Are we rich? Upon closer examination, I may need to change my answer.
Although the words "high fashion" will never be used to describe my wardrobe, I have a closet full of clothes. So does my husband and our kids. Are we rich?
We still sit on folding chairs around a hand-me-down kitchen table, but at mealtime there is always plenty of food on our plates. We never go to bed hungry. Are we rich?
Our car is ten years old, but it is reliable and paid for. When the tank gets low on gas, we simply fill it. Next summer we’ll buy a minivan. Are we rich?
I grumble to myself as I write out the check for the doctor’s co-payment. Fifteen dollars to find out that, no, her ears aren’t infected. She’s just teething. We have decent health insurance coverage, and ear infections are our most serious health concern. Are we rich?
Catered black-tie galas are beyond our social reach. Instead, we invite family and friends to informal sweatshirt and blue-jean affairs, asking them to bring casseroles or Jell-O salads. After everyone has eaten too much, the men swap hunting and fishing stories, the women exchange recipes, and the kids play tag in the backyard. Are we rich?
I drive by grand mansions and gated homes and wonder at the wealth. Ours, in contrast, is a modest home. Instead of living in an exclusive community, we’re part of an inclusive neighborhood – one where we refer to our neighbors by their first names. Are we rich?
I’ve pinched my share of pennies, and funds are always tight at the end of the month, but my husband has stable employment. We always know where our next paycheck is coming from. Are we rich?
Childbearing has forever changed my body. My stomach sags. My hips are wide. I can’t afford a personal trainer and even just getting out for a walk most days is difficult. My friend just told me about her brother and sister-in-law. They’ve been married for six years and seem to have everything. Everything except the one thing they most want – children. Are we rich?
Immeasurably.
My son returned from kindergarten the other day and asked me, "Mom, are we rich?"
Us, rich? Ha! Just a few hours earlier I’d written out a bundle of checks to cover our monthly bills. I felt anything but rich.
But over the next few days as I went about my usual activities, my son’s question remained at the back of my mind. Are we rich? Upon closer examination, I may need to change my answer.
Although the words "high fashion" will never be used to describe my wardrobe, I have a closet full of clothes. So does my husband and our kids. Are we rich?
We still sit on folding chairs around a hand-me-down kitchen table, but at mealtime there is always plenty of food on our plates. We never go to bed hungry. Are we rich?
Our car is ten years old, but it is reliable and paid for. When the tank gets low on gas, we simply fill it. Next summer we’ll buy a minivan. Are we rich?
I grumble to myself as I write out the check for the doctor’s co-payment. Fifteen dollars to find out that, no, her ears aren’t infected. She’s just teething. We have decent health insurance coverage, and ear infections are our most serious health concern. Are we rich?
Catered black-tie galas are beyond our social reach. Instead, we invite family and friends to informal sweatshirt and blue-jean affairs, asking them to bring casseroles or Jell-O salads. After everyone has eaten too much, the men swap hunting and fishing stories, the women exchange recipes, and the kids play tag in the backyard. Are we rich?
I drive by grand mansions and gated homes and wonder at the wealth. Ours, in contrast, is a modest home. Instead of living in an exclusive community, we’re part of an inclusive neighborhood – one where we refer to our neighbors by their first names. Are we rich?
I’ve pinched my share of pennies, and funds are always tight at the end of the month, but my husband has stable employment. We always know where our next paycheck is coming from. Are we rich?
Childbearing has forever changed my body. My stomach sags. My hips are wide. I can’t afford a personal trainer and even just getting out for a walk most days is difficult. My friend just told me about her brother and sister-in-law. They’ve been married for six years and seem to have everything. Everything except the one thing they most want – children. Are we rich?
Immeasurably.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Trenches / Chapter 1 / Help Wanted
Local start-up family is seeking a first-class family manager to join our team. Looking for an optimistic, dependable, mature person who enjoys working with children. Full-time position available for mornings, days, evenings, nights, weekends and holidays. Must have flexible work schedule and be available for diaper changing, story reading and tear wiping at a moment's notice.
Applicant must have a current driver's license and dependable car to provide transportation of children to school, sporting events, piano lessons and other activities. Additional duties and responsibilities of the position include: settling sibling disputes; light housekeeping such as making beds, cleaning bathrooms, fixtures, furniture, and carpets (windows negotiable.) Will also run errands and plan, organize, direct and monitor meal service.
We're looking for a self-starter who's not afraid to work. Successful candidate will have experience in creative fiscal management, grass stain removal, potty training, and lullaby singing. Stress management experience a plus!
Qualified applicant will have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills, be able to incorporate teaching moments into everyday life, and have a soft lap and a listening ear. Ability to speak with an authoritative voice also a plus. Although a college degree is not required, a high degree of tolerance is. reference given to those with nerves of steel.
We offer no insurance, retirement, or sick leave benefits, and there is no salary associated with this position. Other compensation, however, is provided. Receive countless hugs, kisses, even love notes from adorable children. Re-experience the magic of childhood as you watch youngsters take their first steps, taste ice cream for the first time, and ride a bike all by themselves.
If you are interested in this position, apply in person.
Applicant must have a current driver's license and dependable car to provide transportation of children to school, sporting events, piano lessons and other activities. Additional duties and responsibilities of the position include: settling sibling disputes; light housekeeping such as making beds, cleaning bathrooms, fixtures, furniture, and carpets (windows negotiable.) Will also run errands and plan, organize, direct and monitor meal service.
We're looking for a self-starter who's not afraid to work. Successful candidate will have experience in creative fiscal management, grass stain removal, potty training, and lullaby singing. Stress management experience a plus!
Qualified applicant will have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills, be able to incorporate teaching moments into everyday life, and have a soft lap and a listening ear. Ability to speak with an authoritative voice also a plus. Although a college degree is not required, a high degree of tolerance is. reference given to those with nerves of steel.
We offer no insurance, retirement, or sick leave benefits, and there is no salary associated with this position. Other compensation, however, is provided. Receive countless hugs, kisses, even love notes from adorable children. Re-experience the magic of childhood as you watch youngsters take their first steps, taste ice cream for the first time, and ride a bike all by themselves.
If you are interested in this position, apply in person.
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